Q&A: read pleeasseee? Thankies!!?
Question by Kitty KML ~Kings and Queens~: read pleeasseee? Thankies!!?
Hmm, so i don’t really like this part below, but it fits in with the rest of the book. it HAS to happen.
so…ahhh…what do you think?
(and if you read my last question, it ties into that question. but u probably wont notice how. lol)
the names are Greek, by the way, and it’s in fantasy-medieval-ish times. that’s not a word…oh well.
Zeth read and reread the parchment while I stood in the doorway. His expression was usually serious, but it had always been like a mask that hid what he was really thinking. Now it was different. There was genuine horror on his handsome face, restrained only by his own self-will…he could never express true emotions that would lower his appearance as an unbreakable authority figure. I had never seen him like this.
‘Zeth?’ I asked quietly. When there was no response, I said louder, ‘Zethan!’
He turned around now, almost looking surprised to see me. ‘Veirra. What are you doing up this early, love?’
He was calling me “love” again. That couldn’t be good news.
‘What is that?’ I asked.
He looked down at the parchment, and let out a slow breath. ‘It’s…from a patrol that found your father.’
‘Found him?’ I repeated. As the first shivers of fear rolled down my spine and my stomach gave a strange lurch, I analyzed his expression. ‘Zeth, what do you mean FOUND?’
He gave no response.
I stared at him, waiting for him to reassure me with some kind of miraculous answer to my question. But the look in his eyes said everything.
I clapped one hand over my mouth, eyes burning with unstoppable tears. And yet, as he stepped forward to take me in his arms (which I supposed was meant to be a consolation, but it made me feel worse) and I buried my face into his shoulder to cry, I couldn’t help but feel that tears didn’t say enough.
so this is very raw, fresh from the keyboard, but i’m not sure if there’s a better way to put it? And the character “Zeth” is actually portrayed as the “bad guy” – though there’s no defined “good” or “evil” in my story, he’s the callous leader of the protagonist’s enemies. But he’s not an antagonist, really. That probably doesn’t make sense, but i’m just trying to say that this is a soft moment for him.
I’m going to stop rambling. What did you think?
‘
Best answer:
Answer by Katrina
I actually liked it (I don’t know why, but I always feel prejudiced against liking what I will read on here). The only thing I would say is about the first paragraph:
Zeth read and reread the parchment while I stood in the doorway. His expression was usually serious, but it had always been like a mask that hid what he was really thinking. Now it was different. There was genuine horror on his handsome face, restrained only by his own self-will…he could never express true emotions that would lower his appearance as an unbreakable authority figure. I had never seen him like this.
I just feel like you’re explaining too much here. I think it’d be stronger if you would heed closer to the old “show, not tell” rule of writing. Also, all in all this passage gives the faint air of kinda cliched and cheesy (albeit, which most stories are). I have problems with this too when writing. But that said, this exert still compelled me and drew me in, and I guess most stories can’t be as compelling without that slight element of cheesiness, and as with everything it all depends on how you view it. If you could, though, I would try to tone some of it down and clean it up a bit with editing and just saying less. Definitely keep writing; I would read more of this.
edit: with to without
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